


Inadequate

by MJLightwood



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Rich Ziyi and Struggling Xukun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23836084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJLightwood/pseuds/MJLightwood
Summary: Xukun finally breaks, but Ziyi is always there to catch him.
Relationships: Cai Xukun/Wang Ziyi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	Inadequate

**Author's Note:**

> Inadequate /ɪˈnæd.ɪ.kwət/  
> (adj.) not good enough

Xukun is sobbing. 

His own mother’s words ring in his ears.

“You’ve caught a rich boy, Kunkun! Make sure you keep him! You’re a lucky one.”

It stings. It feels like pin pricks against his skin. 

_ She doesn’t mean it _ , he tells himself over and over. But for some reason, it’s overshadowed by her words. 

It had started with gifts. He’d wondered how Ziyi was able to afford custom-made Cartier bracelets for their first year anniversary. A significant level up from the usual flowers Ziyi would give him. He felt horrible for doing it, but he had asked, because if they were both broke college students, Ziyi really shouldn’t be spending so much on something as trivial as gifts. 

Ziyi had shaken the question off with a smile. He had a little extra money hidden away, he said. Xukun had made him promise to not spend so much on him, and Ziyi had laughed and said that if he didn’t spoil Xukun, who would? And that had been the end of the conversation. 

He doesn’t find out until a week before he’d arranged to meet Ziyi’s parents. He’s buzzing with nerves, and it’s understandable. Because he’s sure that Ziyi is the love of his life and  _ oh God, Cai Xukun, you can mess anything up but not this.  _

“Please don’t be too shocked,” Ziyi had said. He had sounded a little guilty, and Xukun didn’t think much of it. Sure, it was a weird warning, but it seemed to fit into the context at that time. 

And then he saw the house. And Xukun had wondered if it could be called a house when it looked so much more like a castle than anything. It wasn’t as if Xukun didn’t have his suspicions before this, but he’d quashed them. If Ziyi wanted to tell him, it was up to Ziyi, and Xukun wasn’t going to make assumptions. It didn't matter anyway, he loved Ziyi for Ziyi, nothing less and nothing more. 

He’d gaped at the mansion in front of him. Ziyi had given him a shy smile from the driver’s seat. The nerves in Xukun had increased tenfold, if he was jittery before, he was practically breaking down in that moment. 

It briefly flashed across his mind that his skinny jeans suddenly had way too many holes in them, and his shirt was something he’d gotten from a thrift store at a discount. 

Beyond the nerves, Xukun had felt inadequate. A sorry match for Ziyi’s extravagant background. 

But Ziyi had held his hand and smiled, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze. “Relax, baby,” Ziyi had said, bringing Xukun’s hand up to his lips and planting a light kiss on his knuckles. And like magic-  because Ziyi was magical- Xukun had relaxed. 

Up until that very moment, he hadn’t even known that Ziyi was of money. 

In present time, Xukun clutches at his phone as tears roll down his cheeks, willing his mind to shut up. He loved his mother, but perhaps he shouldn’t have called her. 

His boyfriend Ziyi is rich. Very very rich, as evidenced from the way Xukun is currently having his mental breakdown in his boyfriend’s closet, which is already larger than Xukun’s bedroom back home. 

Besides his mother, his friends also poke fun at him for it a lot. They tell him that he’ll never have to worry now that he’s got Ziyi. How jealous they are, how lucky Xukun is. 

Xukun  _ is _ lucky. But it’s not because of Ziyi’s money. It’s because Ziyi is wonderful. Ziyi is kind and gentle and understanding in ways that Xukun thinks,  _knows_ ,  that he doesn’t deserve. Ziyi makes sure that he doesn’t overwork himself. Ziyi listens to him rant when he’s overwhelmed and stressed. Ziyi’s kisses make him feel warm, and his voice gives him comfort beyond measure.

Ziyi  _ loves  _ him.

And he loves Ziyi. Just Ziyi. Not his money, or his family, or his status. 

Surprisingly Ziyi’s family is the kindest in their situation. They give their son an overflowing amount of support in everything. Ziyi had mentioned it more than once. Xukun was surprised to see how openly loving and supportive they were of Ziyi’s decisions. Xukun suspects it’s the root of Ziyi’s amazing character. 

Xukun muffles his frustrated cries against the collar of his turtleneck. The closet smells of Ziyi, and while it should make him feel better it also feels like a stone in his heart. 

What if Ziyi thought that Xukun was only using him? For his money? What if Ziyi thought Xukun only loved him because of it? 

And Xukun sobs harder the more his thoughts spiral. He hates it when their friends joke about it. He knows they mean no harm. But to hear the same words come out of his own mother’s mouth, to hear his doubts confirmed by the one person he thought knew him better than Ziyi... 

It  _ hurts _ . 

Xukun takes hit after hit. The seemingly harmless passing comments from his family and his friends. He tells himself not to let it bother him, but it’s all too much. It weighs like a burden on his shoulders, and even though he knows it’s stupid and he shouldn’t have to prove anything, he feels the greatest urge to prove himself. To Ziyi. To the world. 

He wasn’t inadequate. He wasn’t leeching off on Ziyi. He wasn’t a helpless damsel in distress. 

But if everyone else says it, does that mean Ziyi thinks it too? 

In his darkest moments, when he finds himself thinking about leaving Ziyi and breaking it all off just to prove a point, he finds himself feeling empty. A bottomless pit in his heart at the mere thought of leaving Ziyi. 

Because what is his life without Ziyi? Ziyi had been his light, his main supporter and motivation. A dumb boy like him had fallen for Wang Ziyi, his roommate. He’d fallen for Ziyi, who made sure that he ate his meals on time. Ziyi who would wake him up before he overslept for his classes. Ziyi who was just Ziyi, back when Xukun had been unaware of Ziyi’s status. He suspects that he might have been the only one on campus who was in the dark. 

_ Stupid, oblivious idiot.  _

He’d fallen hard for the kind boy, and even then Xukun had felt like he didn’t deserve Ziyi, who was everything good and right with the world. 

Xukun had drowned himself in his studies, because he had a scholarship to keep. He’d busied himself with clubs, and part-time jobs. He had tried to avoid Ziyi, which was a little hard considering Ziyi lived in the same tiny space as him. But he had convinced himself that he wasn’t good enough, and there was no way in hell that Wang Ziyi would ever return his feelings. 

So Xukun had forced himself underwater, and Ziyi had been there to make sure that he came up for air sometimes, even though Xukun didn’t realize it. 

And he’d fallen hard. So so hard. Every day. And when Ziyi had finally confessed to him, and they’d finally kissed and kissed so much that Xukun had thought that they were never going to stop, Xukun had finally let himself fall. Because Wang Ziyi would catch him. 

He had been certain of it. 

Xukun cried and sobbed, everyone’s accusations in his head. Tearing apart his heart. He loved Ziyi. He loved the boy he’d given his entire heart to, without knowing of his status and wealth. He loved the boy who gently held his heart in his hands, never once letting it break. 

How was he supposed to prove himself to Ziyi? Xukun was a hard worker. Xukun had worked so hard to prove himself time after time. Scholarship after scholarship. Award after award. Did Ziyi realize what everyone was saying about Xukun being a gold digger? Why would Ziyi even keep him around if he knew? 

Xukun knew he was inadequate. Ziyi deserved better. He deserved a pretty girl, not Xukun with his overly pretty eyes and small face. He deserved someone of his status, an heir to a company perhaps, not Xukun who was barely making enough to feed himself every month. He deserved someone who could keep themselves afloat, not someone who would drag Ziyi underwater with them. 

Ziyi deserved so much better than pathetic little Xukun, who could only cry and cry, hidden in a corner of Ziyi’s closet. 

He doesn’t notice Ziyi entering his space. He doesn’t notice Ziyi’s footsteps until Ziyi’s pulling Xukun’s curled up body into his embrace. 

And it felt so warm, and so much like home, and Xukun wanted to cry even louder. He was selfish. He should let Ziyi go, let Ziyi find someone better who was meant for him instead of settling for a sorry excuse of a boyfriend like Xukun. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Ziyi asked gently, stroking Xukun’s back. 

“Ziyi…” Xukun managed to get out in between his sobs. He repeated the other boy’s name like a mantra until his body stopped shaking from his sobs and he finally calmed down a little. And Ziyi, the angel that he was, had waited for Xukun patiently, fingers threading through Xukun’s hair while soothing him with whispers. 

“I’m sorry,” Xukun said. 

_ I think we should break up _ . The words felt like lead on his tongue. He’d practiced saying them again and again. And yet, when he looked into Ziyi’s waiting and worried eyes, he found that he couldn’t bring himself to speak them out loud. 

Ziyi smiled fondly, thumbing away Xukun’s tears. “For what?” He asked, and Xukun wanted to start crying again. He couldn’t do this. Why was he so selfish?

With the strength of a thousand men, Xukun pulled himself away from Ziyi’s embrace. And instead of being able to breathe he found himself losing all momentum. His chest tightened, and his everything seemed to be falling apart. 

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. In. Hold. Out. Hold. In.  _

“Xukun?” was the last thing Xukun heard before he blacked out. 

Ziyi had sounded so worried, Xukun thought guiltily. 

_ Why was he such a fuck up?  _

-

He wakes up on what feels like a cloud. And it scares him, because he thinks he may just fall through. But something warm is gripping his hand like a vice, and he knows it’s Ziyi. 

His senses come through, and he sees Ziyi looking at him worriedly. His eyes are red rimmed, and Xukun feels so much guilt that he has to look away. 

_ You caused this _ , a voice in his head tells him. He’s too tired to will it away. 

He knows that he’s on Ziyi’s bed. He knows that he’s in Ziyi’s room. Everything feels surreal under his fingers, the fabric of the sheets too soft, the lights too bright. 

But Ziyi feels real. Ziyi is real. And Xukun breathes, Ziyi’s calming voice a permanent recording in his head. 

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Slowly Kunkun. You’re okay.  _

“I want to break up,” Xukun says, and he hates how dry his throat is, and how cracked his voice sounds. He hates that even though he’s not looking at Ziyi, he can already see the disappointment in Ziyi’s face. So he shuts his eyes and hopes that the world stops spinning and maybe the universe will swallow him whole. 

“Xukun…” Ziyi says slowly. Pleadingly. And Ziyi’s voice is Xukun’s one weakness, so in habit, he turns towards it. And his eyes flutter open to reveal a Ziyi who is calm. Ziyi, who isn’t shocked, or disappointed, or angry, or anything that Xukun had imagined. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Xukun says, voice barely above a whisper, and he feels another onslaught of tears coming that he desperately tries to blink away. 

Ziyi hears him. He always hears Xukun. “Tell me what’s wrong.” 

Ziyi’s voice is steady, but pleading. And worry crosses his features. It makes Xukun’s heart ache. He gently cups Xukun’s cheek with his free hand. 

“Kunkun I love you, tell me what’s bothering you. Please.” 

And Xukun breaks. Because he is weak. And he tells Ziyi about the offhand jokes and comments that were harmless, but had stung like paper cuts. He told Ziyi about the accusations he’d gotten from people who were less than supportive. He told Ziyi about insecurities he had haboured, how inadequate he was. He tells Ziyi about his mother and her expectations, and the phone call. He goes on and on and Ziyi listens, his expression becoming more and more heartbroken by the second. 

“And you deserve someone good, and nice, and less of a fuck up,” Xukun finishes, tears rolling uncontrollably down his cheeks. And he tries to look away, but Ziyi’s hand is still on his cheek, and Ziyi doesn’t let him. 

“But I want you,” Ziyi says with such conviction that Xukun feels his heart shattering. Xukun shakes his head frantically, but before he can open his mouth to protest, Ziyi has beat him to it. 

“Do you love me for my money? And status?” He asks, eyes serious. If Xukun is taken aback it doesn’t show, because Xukun is so  _ tired _ . 

“I love  _ you _ ,” Xukun answers. He sounds so broken and exhausted, Ziyi thinks. Ziyi kicks himself for not realizing his boyfriend’s fears earlier, for letting those fears pile up. For not realizing the feelings his boyfriend had been harboring. 

“Oh, Xukun,” Ziyi whispers, fingers gently caressing Xukun’s cheek. His thumb moves to brush away Xukun’s tears. 

“Xukun, if you’d said yes to that question, I’d still love you anyway. Do you know that I’m in love with you, Xukun? Do you know that I’m in love with you that goddamn much? You don’t know how much I love you, so please, Xukun,” Ziyi begs, moving to clasp Xukun’s hand in between both of his own. 

“Ziyi…”

“I fell in love with that stupid boy who never ate his meals on time, because he was the single most hardworking person I’d ever met. I fell in love with that boy who gave me shy smiles that made my heart pound. The same boy who learned how to make sandwiches, and left them for me whenever I overworked myself. I fell in love with you, Xukun, and the way we’re on the same wavelength, the way you never treated me differently. I trust you, Xukun, so please trust yourself.”

Xukun is speechless after Ziyi’s outburst. 

_ I trust you.  _

And then Ziyi moves. And suddenly, Ziyi is hovering above him, supporting his weight on his elbows planted on either side of Xukun’s head. His lips are an inch away from Xukun’s.

“Do you trust me?” Ziyi asks, and Xukun feels every single one of Ziyi’s exhales against his lips. 

“With my life,” is Xukun’s reply. And Xukun surges forward first, locking their lips together. And it’s sweet, and reassuring, mixed with the tiniest bit of fire before Ziyi pulls away.

“Then trust yourself. Because I trust you, Cai Xukun.” Ziyi is so sincere, Xukun finds no way to refute him. His heart is still heavy but just the tiniest bit lighter than before. Just a little bit more bearable than before. Ziyi kisses him, again and again, each kiss more passionate and fiery than the last. It’s as if Ziyi is trying to prove a point. 

“You’re not inadequate,” Ziyi whispers against Xukun’s neck in between kisses, and Xukun wants to let himself believe it. 

“I love you,” Ziyi whispers against Xukun’s lips. And Xukun lets himself fall. Deeper and deeper, as Ziyi leaves marks against his neck, like blossoming flowers in spring, and Ziyi’s gentle hands make their way under Xukun’s shirt, tracing patterns that elicits soft moans out of Xukun. 

Ziyi whispers praises into his ears. Ziyi tells him things he’d never believe about himself. Ziyi tells him about how inspiring Xukun was, how much Ziyi admired him. He tells Xukun about the moment he’d fallen in love with Xukun. A story Xukun’s heard a million times but still finds hard to believe. 

Ziyi’s fingers have made their way under Xukun’s waistband. And Xukun’s eyes widen and his lips fall open in a loud moan when he realizes what exactly Ziyi is doing to him. 

Somewhere in between, their clothes have been removed and thrown haphazardly around the room. Ziyi’s kisses don’t stop, only pausing occasionally as he calls Xukun his angel. His muse. The love of his life. 

Ziyi works him up, and they fall back down to earth together, Xukun with a scream of Ziyi’s name and Ziyi biting Xukun’s shoulder to muffle a scream of his own. Ziyi collapses into the space beside Xukun, and he pulls a naked and sated Xukun into his embrace. 

“Don’t listen to what other people say, because I believe you, Xukun, okay?” Ziyi says, hugging Xukun so tight to his chest, Xukun feels his broken shards slowly piecing themselves together. 

“Okay,” Xukun replies, lost in Ziyi’s warmth. 

“You are my everything,” Ziyi tells him solemnly, and he feels his chest blooming with warmth. 

“Ziyi,” Xukun breathes, so soft and muffled that he’s surprised Ziyi hears him.

“Yes, baby?”

“I love you,” Xukun says, looking up to meet Ziyi’s eyes to convey his sincerity. Ziyi smiles in return, always so warm and comforting. Xukun feels his nerves slowly disapitate. 

“I know,” Ziyi replies, pressing a kiss to Xukun’s forehead. 

And to Xukun, it’s more than enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> This ship is so dead, but I wrote this and didn’t want to let it rot in my folder. I did write a little something about how they got together, so maybe I’ll let that piece see the light one day. I miss Nine Percent. Support Zhengting and Ziyi’s collaboration!


End file.
